The Odds are Good, but the Goods are Odd

So I haven't written for a while, and I'm assuming that you all lost your girlfriends that you got by following my advice. So start over, and suck it up. There are plenty of girls out there, and I know for a fact that the first woman you meet will NOT be your wife, because your mom is really the first woman you meet, and if you marry your mom... let's not get into specifics. So the next step is to really get in close, you used up all your great lines, so now I think it's time to make her feel really special.

 So women have really big self-esteems-- men especially can't seem to notice this. DON'T MAKE HER MAD. She might drop you right then and there and inflict many wounds on your neck with her teeth. The secret to women is to find their love-language. Why women don't initiate relationships is beyond me. Sometimes I think the world would have to spin the other way around for it to be that way, and then some other stuff would be messed up. So best leave the current state of things as-is; it's a small battle to lose, really guys. So back to the needling of women. They need to feel special-- not special, special, don't offer to change their bedpan or carry a bag for their drool. That's just weird special. What you have to do is make her feel like she is irreplaceable, give her gifts, smooches, whatever her love-language is. Some ideas for gifts could be the afore-mentioned bedpan or the baggy of drool. (If it's filled with drool then props to you, I couldn't possibly drool that much.)

 There is no feasible way to lose a girl if you follow these instructions, and I'm pretty sure the population of single people would go way down if people started following my advice, and more wars started where there were mass-bombings. Either way the options would be disappearing quickly, so I suggest that you pick the person you see yourself having the least possible chance of a future with; not only to show off how accurate my readings of women are, but also to get some practice. If everyone tries these techniques on the person they DON'T have in mind then everyone can switch later on and everyone will find a match eventually. One main fact to pay attention to: the population of men and women is fifty-fifty, or something like that, so everyone has someone, somewhere. She may be fifty years older than you, but hey, it's a women right? Also, men usually die before women.... just another man-woman fact.

 Just to clarify once again, women are in great demand, and men are desperate. Hint, Hint ladies.

 *Commentators welcome, followers also welcome.