Get some Fresh Air

Okay calm down.The title doesn't mean that you look sickly and pale, although if you keep reading this blog you may end up that way. What I mean is that it's time to take her on a special walk through someplace to get to know her a little better. I think it may be good for both of you.

Some really special places that you can take her are: (remember this place has gotta be a reflection of your opinion of her)
-A bustling carnival full of scary clowns that gawk at you and try to impress you by blowing their fake noses
-A calm lake, filled with blood-sucking leeches and teeming with crocodiles, preferably hungry
-A jungle with quicksand and fire blowing plants, maybe even some rodents of unusual size
-A closed warehouse stocked with old toilet bowls and used toilet paper
-A canoe with lots of really big holes, and some worms and hooks for fishing
-A cow farm with lots of gutters and grates and pitchforks and manure... lots of manure
-A zoo without bars or gates or cages (my favorite by far) bring shotguns for even more fun
-An anatomy class with a full human body dissection session done by the nerdy professor who makes squishing noises while he cuts the body up

This could be the nice lake you take her to

A cow farm with "romance" written all over it

I spared you the horror of a human body being dissected-- but seriously, romance!

All of these will really impress her, and tell her you think highly of her. If you lose her this time, she doesn't deserve you at all, and it's for the better. Kinda like evolution, the dating of the fittest. If she gets eaten at the zoo because she doesn't know how to fight off a score of gorillas then she's not fit enough. Or if she falls into the lake and is quickly ripped to shreds, same deal. Live and forget. She's not worth it anymore (unless you happen to be the nerdy professor, then you can just use her for dissection purposes)

The Odds are Good, but the Goods are Odd

So I haven't written for a while, and I'm assuming that you all lost your girlfriends that you got by following my advice. So start over, and suck it up. There are plenty of girls out there, and I know for a fact that the first woman you meet will NOT be your wife, because your mom is really the first woman you meet, and if you marry your mom... let's not get into specifics. So the next step is to really get in close, you used up all your great lines, so now I think it's time to make her feel really special.

 So women have really big self-esteems-- men especially can't seem to notice this. DON'T MAKE HER MAD. She might drop you right then and there and inflict many wounds on your neck with her teeth. The secret to women is to find their love-language. Why women don't initiate relationships is beyond me. Sometimes I think the world would have to spin the other way around for it to be that way, and then some other stuff would be messed up. So best leave the current state of things as-is; it's a small battle to lose, really guys. So back to the needling of women. They need to feel special-- not special, special, don't offer to change their bedpan or carry a bag for their drool. That's just weird special. What you have to do is make her feel like she is irreplaceable, give her gifts, smooches, whatever her love-language is. Some ideas for gifts could be the afore-mentioned bedpan or the baggy of drool. (If it's filled with drool then props to you, I couldn't possibly drool that much.)

 There is no feasible way to lose a girl if you follow these instructions, and I'm pretty sure the population of single people would go way down if people started following my advice, and more wars started where there were mass-bombings. Either way the options would be disappearing quickly, so I suggest that you pick the person you see yourself having the least possible chance of a future with; not only to show off how accurate my readings of women are, but also to get some practice. If everyone tries these techniques on the person they DON'T have in mind then everyone can switch later on and everyone will find a match eventually. One main fact to pay attention to: the population of men and women is fifty-fifty, or something like that, so everyone has someone, somewhere. She may be fifty years older than you, but hey, it's a women right? Also, men usually die before women.... just another man-woman fact.

 Just to clarify once again, women are in great demand, and men are desperate. Hint, Hint ladies.

 *Commentators welcome, followers also welcome.

Rules and Regulations

Today I decided that instead of giving you all my ideas and tidbits of wisdom for the day that I would lay down some rules that I will be using as guidelines when writing. For starters, I feel I have been getting too much spam from all the comments on the blog... okay not really-- in fact I would appreciate it if you did leave comments as to your thoughts and opinions so that I can address these in further posts.

Okay on to more important matters.

I am, in every sense of the phrase, a born-again Christian. I believe solely in the truth of the Bible as the Holy Spirit's message to certain divinely appointed men as a message from God. I believe in the Resurrection of the dead with the coming of Christ, and the Resurrection of Jesus Christ Himself on the third day. I also believe in the pardon of sins by this act and all sins that are and have been committed. I try every day to abide in every way I can in God and the relationship I have with Him. I believe God is the ultimate source of justice and that as our Creator He has the authority to decide what is just and what is not. I also believe in the eternity of Hell and Heaven and that the Bible clearly dictates that few will enter Heaven. 

Now many people may think ridiculous things like "How does he still manage to be so lovable and hilarious and Christian at the same time?!?!?! Aren't they all boring?" Well know you know. Christians are not all sticks-in-the-mud, and we can be great fun!

What Ladies Like, and What They Don't Really Care For

         So I know that you are all expecting a really great composition piece on how to find a dream chick in ten days or something. So get used to disappointments. What I can teach you is how not to get a girl, or how to offend one in a very short time.

         The first thing you need to understand before reading this blog is that it is meant to be in jest, and that you should not actually attempt anything mentioned within for fear of creating a very awkward situation with someone you might actually have feelings for. The only time you can take what I say for serious is if it is underlined in bold. This means I'm serious.

        So on to insulting women and how to scare them off really fast. One thing to keep in mind is this: if you can show your worst side to a girl and she still sticks with you, hey, you got something man, send me her digits if you can! The other thing is that there are only so many girls that you can offend before it gets really boring and somewhat monotonous. The key to getting inside a girl's head is figuring out what they like best about themselves. That and what they hate the most about themselves. Nice one-liners that often work well are the following: "Wow, you're fat!", "Did someone catch your hair on fire or does it just look like that?", "Your eyes are the color of puke I think, or from what I can gather from the small glimpses under your baggy eyelids." These can almost always guarantee a reaction from women, and you might even get to enjoy some physical contact in the form of a fist or a foot. Well that is all for now, you can try out these latest ideas on a complete stranger, or better yet, send me your lines/dilemmas and I'll see what I can recommend you for a good sucker punch to the emotions.

In Honour of this Blog...

This blog is all about the womens. Or wimans. Or wemins. Whatevs. I prefer the first, but to each his own, or her own, but if you prefer womens and you are a woman then you have issues. Anyways I think that describes the delight part, but I thought that I'd explain to you all the way that I came up with the turkish part. Well there is this really cool song for all you 90's lovers by They Might Be Giants. It goes something along the lines of:

                                    "Istanbul not Constantinople..."

 These are both in Turkey, hence the Turkish part, don't ask me why, I don't write songs.