Attractiveness and the Table

One of the nastiest things that someone can do to another person is show them their already-chewed food. Hence, this is something that you really don't want to do to your woman friend. If it's some kind of cereal then it may be okay, since cereal is usually colorful and then it just looks like modern art all over your mouth. (In fact you could just spit it out and clump it up and sell it as art to some air-headed "renaissance" person.) But, in general, women don't like chewed up food in your mouth.

One of nature's most ironic occurrences, however, is the fact that women love to show off their already-chewed-food. Many love to talk with their mouth open, and since women talk so often the food often gets cold. This is also the reason for the complaints about all your laborious cooking and your "bland" concoctions of beans and meat and tomato and lots of spices. They aren't really bad, fellow cooks, they are just talking SO much that they don't have time to enjoy it's true flavor.

But that is all about women, what you want to know is what YOU should do if you get grossed out at the table or accidentally put your elbows on the table or show your food or talk with your mouth full of food or pick your nose or crack your knuckles or clean your ears or bite your fingernails or suck your thumb or even-- dare I say it-- wet your pants. Well this may be a lot to take in, so we'll go step-by-step.

(1) Getting Grossed Out
First you must figure out what is really grossing you out. If it is the woman herself that is making you feel queasy, or anything else that she is doing, you must stand up, light a match, and singe your eyebrows. This is an instant excuse to run to the bathroom were you can find relief (and relieve yourself) while you consider where to hide your priceless porcelain doll collection and also how to dispose of the woman while remaining courteous.
(2) Putting Your Elbows On the Table
The best, and easiest way to prevent this is just to wear elbow-pads. If you accidentally forget you can just say that you really had no elbows on the table, and they were merely elbow-pads, which are altogether very different. You might also attach a north magnet to each elbow as well as a north magnet to the table to repel your elbows from coming near the table. This is sure-fire and works even better, although if you keep your arms suspended in front of you by the force of the magnetic field your date will most likely look at you very strangely, unless, of course, she is blind-- in this case it doesn't matter what you do, she won't care.
(3) Showing Your Food/Talking With Food In Your Mouth
Many people think that it is not good to talk "with your mouth open"-- this makes no sense whatsoever and would result in a caveman sort of dialect, with everyone mumbling and groaning to get what they wanted. IT IS OKAY TO TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN! Just swallow before you do! If you do happen to show your food just play it up as if you were throwing up, and she may even sympathize with you instead of thinking of you as barbaric for showing your food!
(4)Picking Your Nose
Okay, here is some advice for picking your nose.... there is none. You just have to make something up. Maybe say a bug crawled up your nose and you want to squish it. Or you could say you felt a nosebleed coming on and you had to stop it before it bled on your favorite shirt and tie. Maybe even say that your nose is really just a passageway to a secret black-hole, and that if you don't plug it up every now and then it will suck everyone and everything into it and instantly kill them all. (But hey, that would sure keep your sinuses clean!)

(5) Cracking Your Knuckles
Well this depends on the woman. If she is a rough-and-tough, mean play sort of woman then it probably just makes you more attractive in her eyes. If not, it can seriously freak some chicks out! If you are really loud when you do it just say that you are breaking your own bones, and trying to show off your strength. You can also just blame it on the guys playing poker at the next table over, they don't seem to notice anything through the hazy smoke from their cigarettes.
(6)Cleaning Your Ears
This is also like picking your nose, just pretend that you have some disease that compels you to stop the excess earwax from draining all over your favorite shirt and tie. You can try to stop yourself in the first place by wearing headphones, and this also would cancel out any noise that the woman is making, solving two problems at once!

(7)Biting Fingernails/Sucking Thumb
These you can easily pass off as being nervous around such an amazing woman ( insert chuckle here).

(8) Wetting Your Pants
Well this is somewhat tricky to cover for. You can try the singe-your-brows method and just run to the john, or you can try to "accidentally" spill something all over yourself, just make sure that the stuff you spill isn't extremely hot, or a cup of something that stains. If you really are desperate you can try to show off by lighting your pants on fire and running around like mad. This gets attention and dries out the pants, so she is entertained and oblivious of your mess.

If you happen to figure out any more efficient ways to do any of the above please tell me, only so many will fall for the lighting your pants on fire trick, and I'm running out of leg-wear.

Schmoozing Smoochers

To really be a smash-hit with the ladies you have to be smooth. Like silk. Or butter. OR really smooth sandpaper. Maybe even a bed of nails. Now there's something you don't always hear: smoother than a bed of nails! Not many people realize it, but a bed of nails is actually quite comfortable, unless you happen to be a really floppy person with lots of zits everywhere, just waiting to pop.

See the thing is, I am so suave that I just went off on a rabbit-trail without you noticing. THAT is what we are aiming for. First of all you have to have a big vocabulary. Use fancy words that they can't understand, because then you can get to talk to them even longer, and you impress them. See if I said something like "Thine cerumen is aromatic and crystalline yellow like a Rosa Xanthina." (If you understood all that then props to you-- nerd) Which sounds fascinating and somewhat deceptive and a little creepy. Okay, a lot creepy. Well all it really means, in dumb-elementary-can't-really-even-speak-English-person talk is just this "Your earwax is yellow." BUT if you know your stuff you can say it's a line from an old Greek theatre play, done for Alexander the Great, in honour of the founding of Alexandria in Egypt. See then you can sweep her off her feet and make her think that you are some kind of classy guy or some garbage like that. Women like class, it seems to mean a lot to them.

See if you bring a six-pack of Coke for romance-- well let's just say that you aren't classy enough to do this on your own. However, if you bring a glass bottle of Sangria Senorial.... my my my, someone is a regular schmoozer! (Clarification: schmooze is not the same thing as smooch, although schmoozers might get a smooch or two if they are schmoozing for smooches, or smooching schmoozers... I don't really think that legal though, so don't try.) See there is something about grapes that really gets things going with romance. I think cupid has a sweet tooth for them. Wine, Sangria, even Bacchus-- the god of partying, wore grapes, and in art there are often fruit bowls and grapes covering the central figures, who are usually reclined on some really hard couch thingies.

Now, if you really want to lay it on thick then here is the deal-breaker. Get an accent. If you have a southern accent: lose the accent. Unless you can cook, then it's forgivable. But seriously, chicks dig accents like gravedigger dig graves. They just do. It's like their job or something. 

English accent: pretty good, maybe you are worth a try, and you are probably really good with boats.

French accent: sounds really fancy and they think you have some good connections for getting grape products, such as wine.

Italian accent: you might have a sports car or two up your sleeve, and maybe some freshly baked pizza.

Australian accent: you probably own a really big truck and a lot of cows. Maybe you even have chest hair.

German accent: you must be some kind of political whiz (pronounced viz) but she'll have to break you out of the habit of wearing speedos to the pool.

So these are some basic tips. Live by them, and guard them close you your heart. And read the Bible.