Schmoozing Smoochers

To really be a smash-hit with the ladies you have to be smooth. Like silk. Or butter. OR really smooth sandpaper. Maybe even a bed of nails. Now there's something you don't always hear: smoother than a bed of nails! Not many people realize it, but a bed of nails is actually quite comfortable, unless you happen to be a really floppy person with lots of zits everywhere, just waiting to pop.

See the thing is, I am so suave that I just went off on a rabbit-trail without you noticing. THAT is what we are aiming for. First of all you have to have a big vocabulary. Use fancy words that they can't understand, because then you can get to talk to them even longer, and you impress them. See if I said something like "Thine cerumen is aromatic and crystalline yellow like a Rosa Xanthina." (If you understood all that then props to you-- nerd) Which sounds fascinating and somewhat deceptive and a little creepy. Okay, a lot creepy. Well all it really means, in dumb-elementary-can't-really-even-speak-English-person talk is just this "Your earwax is yellow." BUT if you know your stuff you can say it's a line from an old Greek theatre play, done for Alexander the Great, in honour of the founding of Alexandria in Egypt. See then you can sweep her off her feet and make her think that you are some kind of classy guy or some garbage like that. Women like class, it seems to mean a lot to them.

See if you bring a six-pack of Coke for romance-- well let's just say that you aren't classy enough to do this on your own. However, if you bring a glass bottle of Sangria Senorial.... my my my, someone is a regular schmoozer! (Clarification: schmooze is not the same thing as smooch, although schmoozers might get a smooch or two if they are schmoozing for smooches, or smooching schmoozers... I don't really think that legal though, so don't try.) See there is something about grapes that really gets things going with romance. I think cupid has a sweet tooth for them. Wine, Sangria, even Bacchus-- the god of partying, wore grapes, and in art there are often fruit bowls and grapes covering the central figures, who are usually reclined on some really hard couch thingies.

Now, if you really want to lay it on thick then here is the deal-breaker. Get an accent. If you have a southern accent: lose the accent. Unless you can cook, then it's forgivable. But seriously, chicks dig accents like gravedigger dig graves. They just do. It's like their job or something. 

English accent: pretty good, maybe you are worth a try, and you are probably really good with boats.

French accent: sounds really fancy and they think you have some good connections for getting grape products, such as wine.

Italian accent: you might have a sports car or two up your sleeve, and maybe some freshly baked pizza.

Australian accent: you probably own a really big truck and a lot of cows. Maybe you even have chest hair.

German accent: you must be some kind of political whiz (pronounced viz) but she'll have to break you out of the habit of wearing speedos to the pool.

So these are some basic tips. Live by them, and guard them close you your heart. And read the Bible.