Attractiveness and the Table

One of the nastiest things that someone can do to another person is show them their already-chewed food. Hence, this is something that you really don't want to do to your woman friend. If it's some kind of cereal then it may be okay, since cereal is usually colorful and then it just looks like modern art all over your mouth. (In fact you could just spit it out and clump it up and sell it as art to some air-headed "renaissance" person.) But, in general, women don't like chewed up food in your mouth.

One of nature's most ironic occurrences, however, is the fact that women love to show off their already-chewed-food. Many love to talk with their mouth open, and since women talk so often the food often gets cold. This is also the reason for the complaints about all your laborious cooking and your "bland" concoctions of beans and meat and tomato and lots of spices. They aren't really bad, fellow cooks, they are just talking SO much that they don't have time to enjoy it's true flavor.

But that is all about women, what you want to know is what YOU should do if you get grossed out at the table or accidentally put your elbows on the table or show your food or talk with your mouth full of food or pick your nose or crack your knuckles or clean your ears or bite your fingernails or suck your thumb or even-- dare I say it-- wet your pants. Well this may be a lot to take in, so we'll go step-by-step.

(1) Getting Grossed Out
First you must figure out what is really grossing you out. If it is the woman herself that is making you feel queasy, or anything else that she is doing, you must stand up, light a match, and singe your eyebrows. This is an instant excuse to run to the bathroom were you can find relief (and relieve yourself) while you consider where to hide your priceless porcelain doll collection and also how to dispose of the woman while remaining courteous.
(2) Putting Your Elbows On the Table
The best, and easiest way to prevent this is just to wear elbow-pads. If you accidentally forget you can just say that you really had no elbows on the table, and they were merely elbow-pads, which are altogether very different. You might also attach a north magnet to each elbow as well as a north magnet to the table to repel your elbows from coming near the table. This is sure-fire and works even better, although if you keep your arms suspended in front of you by the force of the magnetic field your date will most likely look at you very strangely, unless, of course, she is blind-- in this case it doesn't matter what you do, she won't care.
(3) Showing Your Food/Talking With Food In Your Mouth
Many people think that it is not good to talk "with your mouth open"-- this makes no sense whatsoever and would result in a caveman sort of dialect, with everyone mumbling and groaning to get what they wanted. IT IS OKAY TO TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN! Just swallow before you do! If you do happen to show your food just play it up as if you were throwing up, and she may even sympathize with you instead of thinking of you as barbaric for showing your food!
(4)Picking Your Nose
Okay, here is some advice for picking your nose.... there is none. You just have to make something up. Maybe say a bug crawled up your nose and you want to squish it. Or you could say you felt a nosebleed coming on and you had to stop it before it bled on your favorite shirt and tie. Maybe even say that your nose is really just a passageway to a secret black-hole, and that if you don't plug it up every now and then it will suck everyone and everything into it and instantly kill them all. (But hey, that would sure keep your sinuses clean!)

(5) Cracking Your Knuckles
Well this depends on the woman. If she is a rough-and-tough, mean play sort of woman then it probably just makes you more attractive in her eyes. If not, it can seriously freak some chicks out! If you are really loud when you do it just say that you are breaking your own bones, and trying to show off your strength. You can also just blame it on the guys playing poker at the next table over, they don't seem to notice anything through the hazy smoke from their cigarettes.
(6)Cleaning Your Ears
This is also like picking your nose, just pretend that you have some disease that compels you to stop the excess earwax from draining all over your favorite shirt and tie. You can try to stop yourself in the first place by wearing headphones, and this also would cancel out any noise that the woman is making, solving two problems at once!

(7)Biting Fingernails/Sucking Thumb
These you can easily pass off as being nervous around such an amazing woman ( insert chuckle here).

(8) Wetting Your Pants
Well this is somewhat tricky to cover for. You can try the singe-your-brows method and just run to the john, or you can try to "accidentally" spill something all over yourself, just make sure that the stuff you spill isn't extremely hot, or a cup of something that stains. If you really are desperate you can try to show off by lighting your pants on fire and running around like mad. This gets attention and dries out the pants, so she is entertained and oblivious of your mess.

If you happen to figure out any more efficient ways to do any of the above please tell me, only so many will fall for the lighting your pants on fire trick, and I'm running out of leg-wear.

Schmoozing Smoochers

To really be a smash-hit with the ladies you have to be smooth. Like silk. Or butter. OR really smooth sandpaper. Maybe even a bed of nails. Now there's something you don't always hear: smoother than a bed of nails! Not many people realize it, but a bed of nails is actually quite comfortable, unless you happen to be a really floppy person with lots of zits everywhere, just waiting to pop.

See the thing is, I am so suave that I just went off on a rabbit-trail without you noticing. THAT is what we are aiming for. First of all you have to have a big vocabulary. Use fancy words that they can't understand, because then you can get to talk to them even longer, and you impress them. See if I said something like "Thine cerumen is aromatic and crystalline yellow like a Rosa Xanthina." (If you understood all that then props to you-- nerd) Which sounds fascinating and somewhat deceptive and a little creepy. Okay, a lot creepy. Well all it really means, in dumb-elementary-can't-really-even-speak-English-person talk is just this "Your earwax is yellow." BUT if you know your stuff you can say it's a line from an old Greek theatre play, done for Alexander the Great, in honour of the founding of Alexandria in Egypt. See then you can sweep her off her feet and make her think that you are some kind of classy guy or some garbage like that. Women like class, it seems to mean a lot to them.

See if you bring a six-pack of Coke for romance-- well let's just say that you aren't classy enough to do this on your own. However, if you bring a glass bottle of Sangria Senorial.... my my my, someone is a regular schmoozer! (Clarification: schmooze is not the same thing as smooch, although schmoozers might get a smooch or two if they are schmoozing for smooches, or smooching schmoozers... I don't really think that legal though, so don't try.) See there is something about grapes that really gets things going with romance. I think cupid has a sweet tooth for them. Wine, Sangria, even Bacchus-- the god of partying, wore grapes, and in art there are often fruit bowls and grapes covering the central figures, who are usually reclined on some really hard couch thingies.

Now, if you really want to lay it on thick then here is the deal-breaker. Get an accent. If you have a southern accent: lose the accent. Unless you can cook, then it's forgivable. But seriously, chicks dig accents like gravedigger dig graves. They just do. It's like their job or something. 

English accent: pretty good, maybe you are worth a try, and you are probably really good with boats.

French accent: sounds really fancy and they think you have some good connections for getting grape products, such as wine.

Italian accent: you might have a sports car or two up your sleeve, and maybe some freshly baked pizza.

Australian accent: you probably own a really big truck and a lot of cows. Maybe you even have chest hair.

German accent: you must be some kind of political whiz (pronounced viz) but she'll have to break you out of the habit of wearing speedos to the pool.

So these are some basic tips. Live by them, and guard them close you your heart. And read the Bible.

Get some Fresh Air

Okay calm down.The title doesn't mean that you look sickly and pale, although if you keep reading this blog you may end up that way. What I mean is that it's time to take her on a special walk through someplace to get to know her a little better. I think it may be good for both of you.

Some really special places that you can take her are: (remember this place has gotta be a reflection of your opinion of her)
-A bustling carnival full of scary clowns that gawk at you and try to impress you by blowing their fake noses
-A calm lake, filled with blood-sucking leeches and teeming with crocodiles, preferably hungry
-A jungle with quicksand and fire blowing plants, maybe even some rodents of unusual size
-A closed warehouse stocked with old toilet bowls and used toilet paper
-A canoe with lots of really big holes, and some worms and hooks for fishing
-A cow farm with lots of gutters and grates and pitchforks and manure... lots of manure
-A zoo without bars or gates or cages (my favorite by far) bring shotguns for even more fun
-An anatomy class with a full human body dissection session done by the nerdy professor who makes squishing noises while he cuts the body up

This could be the nice lake you take her to

A cow farm with "romance" written all over it

I spared you the horror of a human body being dissected-- but seriously, romance!

All of these will really impress her, and tell her you think highly of her. If you lose her this time, she doesn't deserve you at all, and it's for the better. Kinda like evolution, the dating of the fittest. If she gets eaten at the zoo because she doesn't know how to fight off a score of gorillas then she's not fit enough. Or if she falls into the lake and is quickly ripped to shreds, same deal. Live and forget. She's not worth it anymore (unless you happen to be the nerdy professor, then you can just use her for dissection purposes)

The Odds are Good, but the Goods are Odd

So I haven't written for a while, and I'm assuming that you all lost your girlfriends that you got by following my advice. So start over, and suck it up. There are plenty of girls out there, and I know for a fact that the first woman you meet will NOT be your wife, because your mom is really the first woman you meet, and if you marry your mom... let's not get into specifics. So the next step is to really get in close, you used up all your great lines, so now I think it's time to make her feel really special.

 So women have really big self-esteems-- men especially can't seem to notice this. DON'T MAKE HER MAD. She might drop you right then and there and inflict many wounds on your neck with her teeth. The secret to women is to find their love-language. Why women don't initiate relationships is beyond me. Sometimes I think the world would have to spin the other way around for it to be that way, and then some other stuff would be messed up. So best leave the current state of things as-is; it's a small battle to lose, really guys. So back to the needling of women. They need to feel special-- not special, special, don't offer to change their bedpan or carry a bag for their drool. That's just weird special. What you have to do is make her feel like she is irreplaceable, give her gifts, smooches, whatever her love-language is. Some ideas for gifts could be the afore-mentioned bedpan or the baggy of drool. (If it's filled with drool then props to you, I couldn't possibly drool that much.)

 There is no feasible way to lose a girl if you follow these instructions, and I'm pretty sure the population of single people would go way down if people started following my advice, and more wars started where there were mass-bombings. Either way the options would be disappearing quickly, so I suggest that you pick the person you see yourself having the least possible chance of a future with; not only to show off how accurate my readings of women are, but also to get some practice. If everyone tries these techniques on the person they DON'T have in mind then everyone can switch later on and everyone will find a match eventually. One main fact to pay attention to: the population of men and women is fifty-fifty, or something like that, so everyone has someone, somewhere. She may be fifty years older than you, but hey, it's a women right? Also, men usually die before women.... just another man-woman fact.

 Just to clarify once again, women are in great demand, and men are desperate. Hint, Hint ladies.

 *Commentators welcome, followers also welcome.

Rules and Regulations

Today I decided that instead of giving you all my ideas and tidbits of wisdom for the day that I would lay down some rules that I will be using as guidelines when writing. For starters, I feel I have been getting too much spam from all the comments on the blog... okay not really-- in fact I would appreciate it if you did leave comments as to your thoughts and opinions so that I can address these in further posts.

Okay on to more important matters.

I am, in every sense of the phrase, a born-again Christian. I believe solely in the truth of the Bible as the Holy Spirit's message to certain divinely appointed men as a message from God. I believe in the Resurrection of the dead with the coming of Christ, and the Resurrection of Jesus Christ Himself on the third day. I also believe in the pardon of sins by this act and all sins that are and have been committed. I try every day to abide in every way I can in God and the relationship I have with Him. I believe God is the ultimate source of justice and that as our Creator He has the authority to decide what is just and what is not. I also believe in the eternity of Hell and Heaven and that the Bible clearly dictates that few will enter Heaven. 

Now many people may think ridiculous things like "How does he still manage to be so lovable and hilarious and Christian at the same time?!?!?! Aren't they all boring?" Well know you know. Christians are not all sticks-in-the-mud, and we can be great fun!

What Ladies Like, and What They Don't Really Care For

         So I know that you are all expecting a really great composition piece on how to find a dream chick in ten days or something. So get used to disappointments. What I can teach you is how not to get a girl, or how to offend one in a very short time.

         The first thing you need to understand before reading this blog is that it is meant to be in jest, and that you should not actually attempt anything mentioned within for fear of creating a very awkward situation with someone you might actually have feelings for. The only time you can take what I say for serious is if it is underlined in bold. This means I'm serious.

        So on to insulting women and how to scare them off really fast. One thing to keep in mind is this: if you can show your worst side to a girl and she still sticks with you, hey, you got something man, send me her digits if you can! The other thing is that there are only so many girls that you can offend before it gets really boring and somewhat monotonous. The key to getting inside a girl's head is figuring out what they like best about themselves. That and what they hate the most about themselves. Nice one-liners that often work well are the following: "Wow, you're fat!", "Did someone catch your hair on fire or does it just look like that?", "Your eyes are the color of puke I think, or from what I can gather from the small glimpses under your baggy eyelids." These can almost always guarantee a reaction from women, and you might even get to enjoy some physical contact in the form of a fist or a foot. Well that is all for now, you can try out these latest ideas on a complete stranger, or better yet, send me your lines/dilemmas and I'll see what I can recommend you for a good sucker punch to the emotions.

In Honour of this Blog...

This blog is all about the womens. Or wimans. Or wemins. Whatevs. I prefer the first, but to each his own, or her own, but if you prefer womens and you are a woman then you have issues. Anyways I think that describes the delight part, but I thought that I'd explain to you all the way that I came up with the turkish part. Well there is this really cool song for all you 90's lovers by They Might Be Giants. It goes something along the lines of:

                                    "Istanbul not Constantinople..."

 These are both in Turkey, hence the Turkish part, don't ask me why, I don't write songs.